Jonolobster’s First Rap

I’m on vacation for two weeks, but rather than write a post about why I’m not posting, I figured I’d give my readers a little treat. After the jump, read the lyrics to the first rap song I ever wrote.

This song was my first attempt at writing a nerdcore rap – or any rap, for that matter. I wrote it sometime in the spring, right around the time that Charlie Sheen and Julian Assange were in the news. I picked Assange to be the “featured artist” on the track, based partially on Bill Hader’s portrayal of him on SNL. My goal for this song was to establish the “Jonolobster” persona, obviously a little bit different from myself. I try to back in a lot jokes, too, but I think it’s a little light on internal rhymes – something I like rap songs to have. Overall, though, I think it’s a solid attempt. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments.

After the lyrics, read the Rap Genius explanations for each verse.

God of Thunder
Jonolobster featuring Julian Assange

Last name Lobster, first name Jono
Nerdcore rapper, more money than Bono
I’ve got so many hits it crashed my frakkin’ server
But I’m back online now, don’t call me a deserter
Sittin’ on Facebook, posted up like your statuses
Gettin’ pretty bored cuz your status is the flattest
Might hit Wikipedia and erase all of your edits
Cuz you know it’s true if Jonolobster said it!
Had a long weekend partying like Charlie Sheen
But I don’t leave a mess, you can call me Mr. Clean
If a girl’s trapped in my closet, she had best be doin’ my ironing
I like my creases crisp, but it’s a task that I find tiring
We’re stayin’ up all night, like that Taco Bell drive-thru
Go south of the border, make her Scream like Courtney Cox do
I keep her coming all the time, gettin’ ready for the sequel
All you other rappers are my prequel, not ever my equal
I’m the main event, the star of the frakking show
I don’t touch the blow but I’ll shower her with dough
Rollin’ in my green, my chick resembles mad Bruce Banner
And she can call me Thor for the way I swing my hammer
“The hammer is my penis.”

Chorus: (God of Thunder – KISS)
God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you’re under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

Gonna hit the bathroom cuz this shit starts to grow on me
First I gotta clear my history, keep these lyrics a mystery
If you try to copy my rhymes, I’ll call you out like Bing
You don’t know where I’m at, you know nothing ‘bout Googling
But now I’m back like the McRib loggin’ on my big Mac
Doin’ my thing for ya, laying down a fresh track
Blowing past ya in this game like I was doin’ laps
Working on this verse, open Twitter in my tabs
Checkin’ out my followers, hit me up @Jonolobster
They waitin’ on this rap like a stakeout for a mobster
I always use HTTPS to my access my Google Docs
No Evil Twin attack gonna cock-block my Firefox
Now I switch to Chrome cuz I know that shit is faster
Plus I’ve got the latest apps installed, call me beta master
Just when you think you pwned me, I mix it up again
I run this software game like Larry Page and Sergey Brin
You’ve seen the trailer, but you don’t have the gist
I’m like an episode of LOST, there’s always a twist
Step to me and I will block you like a spammer
And you can call me Thor for the way I swing my hammer
“The hammer is my penis.”

God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you’re under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

Open source project, Operation Jono
I’m writing in a code that you lamers cannot follow
I’ll try to break it down for you, but I won’t go slow-mo
I love this game like Kurt loves Finn, but I am no homo
That said, I respect the gays, some of my friends are them
But I prefer the taste of Tang, the sweetest type of Dum-Dum
I am a Rap Genius, and a nerd like Sheldon Cooper
And a funny gunslinger, here come the Super Troopers
But Broken Lizard has nothing on this working anaconda
I’ll swallow whole the puny rhymes that you labor under
There are a few more characters to which I most relate
Barney on How I Met Your Mom is my favorite as of late
But my life is not a sitcom, it’s more like Dr. Horrible
Except I bang Felicia Day in manners most deplorable
Another I would take to bed is Glee’s own Rachel Berry
The union would, as Barney says, be legend – wait for it – dary
Girls can catch me on the shore, like Snooki, only tanner
And they can call me Thor for the way I swing my hammer
“The hammer is my penis.”

God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you’re under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

[Julian Assange]
Whitest rapper in the game, Eminem can suck me
God of thunder from Down Under, Crocodile Dundee
Call my site WikiLeaks cuz it makes you want to piss yourself
They keep me under house arrest, a mansion is my prison cell
The British may have caught me, but they let me out on bail
They won’t extradite me cuz they’re scared of what I’d do in jail
Hunted by the cops, international arrest warrant
America’s Most Wanted, diplomatic embarrassment
Julian Assange, bitches! Opening your government
No matter how deep your dirt, I promise I’ll uncover it
Anonymous are my backers, those unidentified hackers
Emptying your PayPal, my bank’s greener than the Packers
Jonolobster got me on this track, he’s the best investment
Named for what you order at an expensive restaurant
He’s serving on a platter the truth that I’m unleashing
Assange and Jonolobster will take away your breathing
Check your bed to find we’ve made off with your women, too
And they will do weird stuff with us that they would never do with you
Jonolobster is the baddest Sith, and I’m just his apprentice
Even though age sixteen is how long I’ve been hacking since
Jono is the B.A.M.F. – there’s simply no one manlier
And you can call him Thor for the way he swings his hammer
“The hammer is my penis.”

God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you’re under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

Chorus Repeats

Explanation

Verse 1:

Jonolobster introduces himself as a successful, wealthy nerdcore (geek rap) artist. He is even richer than U2’s Bono. There is so much demand for his music that it literally caused his server to crash, but he is back now and will not give up. Your life is dull in comparison to his. Jonolobster knows this because he reads your Facebook status updates, which he finds flat and boring. Even if you work hard, his work will eclipse yours, because he is more trustworthy and respectable. He leads a life of extravagance and parties hard, but he is responsible, not reckless like some celebrities. When partying at a hotel, he does not trash the room. When not making love to a woman, he puts her to work doing his menial labor. However, he is skilled at pleasing a woman, going down on her to bring her to climax again and again. She will return to orgasm repeatedly, like Courtney Cox returns to the Scream movie franchise. Other rappers that have come before simply do not measure up. He does not use drugs, but lavishes his women with money instead. When rolling in bills on the bed (a la the film Indecent Proposal), the bills stick to the sweaty girl’s skin and turn her green like the Incredible Hulk. Jonolobster can be thought of as the Mighty Thor, because of his impressive “hammer.” A sound bite by Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) from the Joss Whedon web project “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog” makes it clear what the double meaning of “hammer” is.

Verse 2:

Jonolobster elaborates on his prowess using computers and the Internet. When leaving his computer, even briefly to use the bathroom, he clears his browser history to keep his raps from being stolen. If someone attempts to copy his rhymes, he will challenge them (as Google did Microsoft Bing for copying its search results). However, other rappers are so inept, they cannot even figure out how to look him up on Google. Jonolobster’s preferred computer is a large iMac desktop. He stays connected to his fans using Twitter, and they eagerly await his next release. He always uses a secure connection (HTTPS) to access Google Docs, the app he uses to write his lyrics, because it can withstand an “Evil Twin” hacker attack. He prefers to use Google Chrome, however, because it is a faster browser with more add-ons. He also uses the beta release, guaranteeing he has the latest version of the software. Jonolobster stays ahead of other rappers by changing his methods frequently. He excels at using computers and the web, much like the founders of Google. Although he is talented and successful, Jonolobster is also complicated and mysterious, much like the plot of the TV series LOST. Even if you think you know where he’s going with his rhymes, you don’t. He will easily shut down anyone who challenges him.

Verse 3:

Here Jonolobster attempts to explain who he is, but he’s concerned that you are too stupid to understand him. However, he refuses to compromise his rapping style by slowing down. He loves rap like a gay teen with a crush on the school hunk, similar to two characters on the TV show Glee. Even though he watches Glee, Jonolobster is not gay. He uses the rap cliche “no homo” to explain this, but he counters it with another cliche – “some of my best friends are gay” – to show that he is not intolerant of others’ sexual orientations. Jonolobster simply likes the taste of Tang (not the orange drink, however), and he riffs on 50 Cent’s hit “Candy Shop” to indicate the kind of lolly-pop he likes to lick. Jonolobster frequents the website Rap Genius – http://www.rapgenius.com – to examine and explain other rapper’s words, as he is a student of the game. This makes him a nerd like The Big Bang Theory’s resident theoretical physicist and know-it-all, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. He fires off jokes (and perhaps actual bullets) like the comedy troupe Broken Lizard, the creators and stars of the film Super Troopers. However, he works harder and is funnier and more talented (and also more well-endowed) than Broken Lizard and other rappers are. Jonolobster finds a kindred spirit in the fictional Barney Stinson, Neil Patrick Harris’s womanizing playboy character from the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. In reality Jonolobster is more like the supervillain Dr. Horrible, another N.P.H. character. However, Jonolobster is more sexually aggressive than Dr. Horrible, and would actually sleep with the female star, Felicia Day, something N.P.H.’s character fails to do in the story. Day, who plays a timid social worker named Penny, would even let Jonolobster engage in “deplorable” sexual acts with her because of who he is. He would also sleep with the Lea Michelle’s character on Glee, an act Barney would approve of. Women can find Jonolobster on the beach, where he spends a great deal of his free time, judging by his dark tan.

Verse 4:

In this verse, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange joins the song. The native Australian is very pale, much like another white rapper, Eminem. However, Assange is Eminem’s superior and demands that Eminem acknowledge this. His site, WikiLeaks, terrifies governments around the world. Though Assange was recently captured, he is not in jail. Rather, he is under house arrest in a luxurious mansion in the English countryside. The British are afraid to imprison him or extradite him, for fear of incurring his wrath and angering his supporters. WikiLeaks has embarrassed diplomats around the world by publishing their secret correspondence, and Assange is wanted in the United States for these actions. However, Assange remains defiant. WikiLeak’s motto is “we open governments,” and Assange vows to expose their every secret, no matter how hard governments try to cover them up. A group of hackers, who call themselves “Anonymous,” have waged cyber-warfare against Assange’s detractors, including the website PayPal. Assange, however, is still financially solvent, and is living well, much like the winning Super Bowl team, the Green Bay Packers. Assange sees Jonolobster as a sophisticated individual who raps the truth that Assange is working hard to uncover. By joining forces, Assange and Jonolobster will take your breath away, and steal your women, too. Your women, who were prudish when they were with you, will engage in kinky sex acts with them. Even though Assange has been hacking since he was sixteen, he sees Jonolobster as his superior in this regard. Assange believes that Jonolobster really is the toughest, baddest rapper around.

Hope you enjoyed! This song isn’t recorded yet due to my like of equipment and expertise, but I’ve got a pretty good idea what it would sound like. I just need to get Julian Assange to agree to record with me!

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About Jonolobster

A self-described "nerd in progress," I geek out about: sci-fi, comics, history, politics, food, entertainment news, cats, and alliteration. A beleaguered blogger, I boldly bloviate between bouts of boredom, buck blandness and blockages, and bombard the blogosphere with blasts of blazing braggadocio.

Posted on August 26, 2011, in Rap. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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